Here I sit, 5 am, as I do most mornings. The promise of a new day ahead of me about to begin as always only to end as quickly as it began. The sun rises only to set again. Each day seemingly shorter than the last and each year becoming just another in the past. Time feels as if it is but sand flowing through my fingers, unable to hold on to a single grain as each slides away faster and faster.
I have been in a rut for the past few weeks. I know so much happened last month that emotionally I am just drained at the moment but it’s starting to effect everything. Emotionally tired isn’t fixed with a middle of the day nap. I’m not sure if I know how to fix this except time. I’ve heard the term “like a roller coaster” before and that does describe how I feel. I’m up flying high on life and then I swiftly race downwards to some place where nothing holds joy or hope or really anything other than just a sense of being. It’s starting to happen before I ever realize it, I don’t even feel the mood coming now. All of a sudden I am here.
I think out of all the emotions a person can feel, guilt is the most exhausting. Guilt has a tendency to wear you down like no other and I have had an abundance of it the past month. I haven’t really done anything bad by society’s standards other than avoid visiting my friend in the hospital which is the source of a lot of my guilt. Mostly though I’m doing what I should be doing, my family is fed, clean, at school on time, and each has everything they need which is a major blessing and I am thankful for that. Only sometimes I have this feeling I can’t live up to the idea of being what everyone expects me to be and each time I fail to meet their expectations I feel the guilt of that failure. I know that no one person can be everything that everyone wants and in rational thinking I understand that I am doing the best I can and that should be good enough but it doesn’t stop the emotional upheaval that comes with once again failing to reach each goal set before me.
Yet, I will not give up trying to be all I can be because I want to show my kids that you never give up, even in failure you get back up and move forward. Just because I may fail sometimes doesn’t mean I shouldn’t keep trying to succeed at everything. Life isn’t a race to see who gets to the finish line first or best because eventually we will all get there in our own time and there are no awards handed out for being the best. Life is about moving forward the best we can, giving our all, and living right now not in the past. I will continue to give my all to everyone I can, I will do my best and hope that it is good enough because that is all I have to give. Fail or succeed, it’s what I can do.
I just wish I could get these kids of mine to understand that in life it is not about sitting back and receiving but you have to work for everything. Nothing in life is going to just be given to them, they have to work hard and try their best. I want to be that example for them, to show them that real life is about giving everything your very best and working hard no matter what the job or task is. It is tiring, yes, but to taste success after a finishing a task that you actually worked to complete is one of the best feelings and gives a sense of pride in yourself. I want them to know that, to feel that feeling, to be able to hold their heads high because they have done a job well done all by themselves. Isn’t that what every mother wants, their children to feel like a success regardless of how anyone else sees it, if they feel they have succeeded than they have.
I really need to try to get past all my hang ups and social anxiety issues and just go see my friend no matter how much I don’t want to, no matter how much it will impact me because inside I know it’s the right thing to do….. I blame my Southern Baptist up bringing. Being rude to someone is one of the worse things I could do. Being a Southern-Independent-Free Will Baptist I am told to “love thy neighbor as thyself” and then they always go on to say that neighbor doesn’t mean the person next door but all your fellow man.
After saying all that and as time comes closer to having to get the day started, I will say that I’m okay and today is another day, yesterday’s troubles will stay in the past and I will move forward into today. I have rambled on enough for the day. Today was a rambling day. I promise I’ll have something better for you later. 🙂 Such as my post for the kid’s in the kitchen series that was due yesterday but I failed to get it done. We all fall down sometimes, it’s not the falling down that shows our character but the getting back up, dusting off, and continuing on.
Aww, you already know that I screwed up royally last well initial kindergarten orientation and Emma. Trust me my mommy guilt was on high that day and feeling a bit of it as we are closing in on going back to school and she starts kindergarten now. Hugs and know you aren’t alone in the least.
Sometimes we have to do things we don’t want to – go see your friend and then that will be behind you and you can focus on good feelings for the future!! You can do it girl!
Oh, Becka, I just want to give you a hug!
You’ve had a lot going on lately and you’re just trying to manage it all. What I find from your writing here is that you ARE doing what you need to be doing – you are processing. Your family comes first and right now, if that’s all you have the energy for, then that is all that will get it.
You are right in that guilt is a nasty thing that can destroy and break down even the strongest of us. We all process things differently, but for me it’s best if I face the guilt head-on. I’m sure you will see her when you are ready, but in the meantime perhaps a small, handmade card could help?
Keeping your kiddos and the messages you want to teach them at the forefront of what you do and how you behave, is strong, Becka. I’m sure they see what you are trying to do and they are better for your tireless efforts.
Becka,
I have no doubt that you’re a fantastic mom. We all have those days, and I think it says a lot how much you want to teach your kids that hard work is important, because so many parents are neglecting to teach that lesson.
I totally know how you feel and I think you can be proud of the things you’ve accomplished!
I believe in you! =)
:[ I’m sorry. I hope you do see your friend soon and I hope it makes you feel better and not worse. <3 I'm thinking of you and hoping you are already feeling better since writing this